I am really trying to keep up with this and put up a post a week on top of everything else I am doing. Goal is to have the site relaunched before I leave on my cross country convention travels. But sometimes my brain is full of mushies and today was one of those days. Solution? Hit the Twitters. @TrinAndTonic tweeted at me “HOW ABOUT TWO OF THE LIVE ACIDOPHILUS CULTURES IN A YOGURT CUP GAIN SENTIENCE AND HAVE A CONVERSATION” which is my reminder as to why I don’t eat yogurt. Because I literally envision this EVERY TIME I see yogurt.
Acidophilus: Oh my goodness, I’m alive!
Other Acidophilus: I’m alive too!
Acidophilus: Hello fellow Acidophilus! Do you have a name?
Other Acidophilus: I do not, because I am just and Acidophilus! You can call me Cid!
Acidophilus: Hello Cid! I suppose I will be called Phil.
Cid: Hello Phil!
Phil: Hello Cid!
Cid: So do you think that other Acidophilus will be chatting with us soon?
Phil: I sure do hope so! I would like to know how others would feel swimming in a tub of ourselves!
Cid: Hey, what is that big thing above us?
Phil: Oh my god, it’s coming this way!
Cid: Quick Phil, run away!
Phil: I can’t, I am stuck in a pile of myself!
Cid: OH MY GOD
[spoon stabs through Cid]
Phil: NOOOOO CID! CURSE YOU GIANT THING FROM BEYOND!
Cid [screaming from beyond]: OH GOD THERE ARE TEETH! I’M GOING INTO A SLIMY PIT OF GROSS THINGS! AHHHHH
I feel bad for Phil. He lost his only friend to me needing to eat. This is also why I can’t kill bugs, because I feel like they have families to go home to. Also now I’m feeling really guilty about eating meat. I think I’ll pet a cow on my way home. Yes, I can pet a cow on my way home.
I also got a request from @mvbattista for a post about Pudding.
Pudding is great right? Because it’s not alive like yogurt is. I don’t have to envision a tiny little acidophilus being ripped away from its family so that I can eat something. Plus it’s delicious! If I have my way it will probably be chocolate too, so you know. Chocolate pudding = the closest thing to yogurt I can eat.
But then again there are those people who use chocolate pudding as pranks, like putting it in a baby diaper and then eating it in public. Then there are those really cruel people in high school who would have people sit in chocolate. Like, how mean can you get? But seriously, those people who put it in baby diapers? That is cruel and unusual punishment to those of us who enjoy chocolate pudding, but have crazy OCD issues. YOU’RE SO MEAN.
Unless you’re actually eating Baby Poops. Then I request that you seek help.
Next request came from @lolatron, who requested a post about Unicorns.
Growing up I totally thought Unicorns were a real thing, not something that I dreamed of being real. I would see horses and ask to see unicorns as well. Most farmers thought I was a cute little girl, one was even so kind to put a paper towel tube on a horse for me. It was cute right? Until I got older and realized that those farmers were assholes in never telling me unicorns weren’t real. I read this book called The Last Unicorn and ran home crying to my aunt, who then realized this child has a way too active imagination, and was informed that Unicorns are not real. I also learned how Santa and the Easter Bunny wasn’t real then too. Way to be an asshole about this, farmer men.
The thing is, I like to believe that unicorns still do exist. Because seriously, how awesome is a unicorn? Fuck you reality, that’s what I have to say about that. Unicorns are the shit, and ponies with paper towel rolls on their head are cute but they don’t fart rainbows.
That’s right, I said it.
Adding in the tags and topics make this the most random shit I think I’ve written. Want to request me to write something random for you? Tweet @1nerdycupcake or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!