One Nerdy Cupcake

{October 31, 2012}   “Dare To Dream, Princess”

Okay, I should have gone as Calvin. I would have rocked that too.

Sorry for the shitty phone picture. My laptop camera was being a butthead. I lead a glamorous life as a writer. PS: Fuck you teacher from the past!

Growing up in the fashion that I did, Halloween was always a big deal. I’ve never (ever, actually) had a bag costume, or someone make a costume, we’ve always had to create our own. When I moved in with my parents when I was 12, I was then handed siblings to help out with this venture. When I was with my aunt and uncle I was on my own. But one Halloween when I was 13 (so I was living in Illinois at this time) I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to be. Looking in my closet I didn’t have anything that I could cut and fashion into a costume quickly enough either.

My mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, and I told her flat out then and there that I wanted to be a writer. Some things never change right? I thought of what that was going to mean that I looked like when I was older. I thought of what writers looked like in comics and television series. I told my mom I didn’t want to look like them. I told her what I wanted to do was lay around in my pajamas with a tiara on my head. So that night she gave me aluminum foil and told me to make a tiara, and the next day I went to school in my pajamas, unbathed with a side ponytail with an aluminum foil tiara on my head.

Kids made fun of me, they were in their costumes from a bag or some that had their parents made for them. It didn’t help that I was still considered a new kid, and that I talked funny though either. But by the end of the day their costumes were coming off, or falling apart, or they were complaining they were too cold or too hot. I was happy in my pajamas and dirty hair. One of the teachers came over to talk to me about my costume. He asked what I was, and I told him I was a writer. He laughed, patted my shoulder and said “Dare to dream, Princess.” As a kid, I thought it was nice because he called me princess and I didn’t think anything of it. Looking back on it, that guy was a dick. Who tells a 13 year old girl that she can’t be a writer?

I’m 27 now, still writing. That hasn’t changed. I have journal upon journal stacked up in my room, going through about 5-6 every year. I constantly write, even if it doesn’t make this page. But this page is undergoing a lot of changes, which will be apparent to you soon. And the biggest change is this year I am participating in NaNoWriMo, writing my first novel in a month. Pressure is on. I’ll keep a badge here so you can see where I am in it. Completely different from Alternates too, new story and new characters. Regardless of my shameless self promotion, its Halloween and I am laying in my pajamas, unbathed with a side ponytail and an aluminum foil tiara. Fuck you, teacher of the past. I can be a writer if I want to be. Happy Halloween!!


{August 16, 2012}   Travelling Circus

Orlando and Seattle BEWARE, I am about to invade your towns!

As I round out my last day in the office for the next 3 weeks I come to you bearing gifts of visiting things. And by bearing gifts, I mean this is my ridonkulous schedule of things I am doing.

I arrive in Orlando on Tuesday the 21st, around 4pm. I have a rental car, I will be the one carrying a ridiculous amount of luggage and will probably have a crazed look in my eye. That night I will be doing photography of the Orlando downtown area, and probably trying to find someplace to eat that won’t kill me.

Wednesday the 22nd I will be making a trip out to the Merritt Wildlife Refuge (about two hours from where I am staying) to do wildlife photos and definitely not try to bring home an otter. Because that would be the worst plan.

Wednesday night will be the night the Crew meets up for Star Wars Celebration, so I’ll finally get to see who everyone is. You all get to meet my annoyingly chipper self!

Thursday through Sunday I will be running dispatch for the Crew, along with the Bravo, also I will be playing photographer as much as I can. If you see me, come say hi! Do not be shy. If I am going crazy you’ll be able to tell right away. I am trying to be everywhere at once 🙂

Monday I will be hitting up Universal, specifically The Wizarding World of Harry Potter because ZOMG YOU GUYS ITS THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER. I probably won’t be there too long, as I still have a lot of other work to do as well. Photo editing takes TIME, whodathunkit.

I take off from Orlando Tuesday morning and will be in Seattle that night. Will probably be working but I hear of Sock Adventures with Enforcers.

Wednesday and Thursday I will be working PAX: Dev, which is a non-press event so no coverage, but you can come find me about.

Friday-Sunday is PAX: Prime, where I will be working morning shifts in the Kraken Theater. After will be spent wandering and spending money I don’t have. Definitely a good time to find me. Monday is also a good day for this, as I really want to hit up the Science Fiction Museum and maybe some touristy things because I’VE NEVER BEEN TO SEATTLE AND I FEEL THAT THIS IS BLASPHEMOUS.

I return to Chicago on the 4th, at noon, where I will proceed to sleep until the 10th, when I have to return to the office.

Seriously though guys, if you are in either of those areas please feel free to come talk to me. I like networking and making new friends!

{July 26, 2012}   An Open Letter To The Haters

I’m not quite sure why I’m so special these days, but I have a nice little streamline of hate mail coming in. Sometimes it’s amusing, sometimes it’s very oddly personal, and sometimes its death threats. From now on, if you send me any of the above, you’ll receive this in response.

Hello New Friend!

I just wanted to thank you for your words of wisdom you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for telling me how much I bother you, how much you hate me, and how you wish I would die in a fire. Things like this boost my self esteem, because even if you think you’re hurting me, you are in fact, thinking about me. Which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Now, since you’re emailing me at my personal address I can only imagine that you did some research to even find where that address is. Again, I can only thank you for thinking of me so much that you actually researched me a little. Now, I think you telling me to commit suicide is a bit much, but I can break it down for you like this. After everything that I’ve been through physically (broken spine, countless tumors, been shot, stabbed and fought in several Muay Thai competitions) I think something less than a bear mauling isn’t fitting. If I am to go down by my own doing, please tell me where I can wrestle a bear.

Now I’m not quite sure what I did that was so horrid that you just feel the need to email me exactly how I should slowly die with a box of blades and some salt, but let me tell you that I’m sorry. Maybe I accidentally kicked your ankle on the subway. I am kind of a klutz. I didn’t like that movie you loved? I’m sorry, I meant that I loved it. Do you like Justin Bieber and I said some sort of mean crack at his expense? Yeah I’m not apologizing for that. But you can enjoy whatever you would like without my opinions swaying you! Isn’t wonderful how life works like that?

I just wanted to take the time out to thank you [writer of emails name], for taking the time out your day to think of me, hunt me down on the internet, and email me exactly how much you think of me. Even if it is negatively, you’re still thinking of me, and I’m glad that you are. Tonight I raise my wine glass to you, [writer’s name], while I create new things to annoy you with. Thanks for writing me!



PS: In case this hasn’t been enough, please feel free to email me another response. I enjoy unleashing new bouts of creativity on people. Maybe I’ll think about you enough to put on my blog!

{July 15, 2012}   Holy Changes Batman!

True Facts! I totally bought out, and with the help of ShowBro Battista we are turning this site into something ALL NEW.

So I’m still plugging away at Alternates. If you want to keep up with things, follow me on Twitter at @1nerdycupcake, along with the podcast I host along with Nerds of the Round Table and The Adahy called All Things Good and Nerdy, you can check that out at

Stay tuned for the new changes!

See that title there?

Yeah, I’m still digesting it too.

I haven’t been feeling quite right lately. Not like, the depressions I’ve been fighting or the healing process, but just feeling off. My speech is slightly slurred (no one has commented on it, but in reviewing the past two weeks podcasts I can hear it. Or I’m overly sensitive) While I’ve always had a wonky left eye, I can actually feel it be wonky. I thought this was side effect from all the crazy medications I’m on to heal and survive and all that crap.

Nope, nope. It was brought to my attention that I had suffered a stroke during surgery. If they told me about it, I was still under a lot of drugs coming out of the surgery. But no one has told me about it since I’ve been in my right mind (or as right as my mind gets.) They felt it was an as needed to know thing…but considering its my health and my body I would assume I would need to know…right?

They thought that there was the possibility of a second brain tumor, but nope, thats just leftovers from the stroke I had. That no one told me about. Sorry, I’m still in the “do I be angry about this or should I just be happy that I’m still sitting here typing this to you.” stage.

I mean, I guess I can’t be all together THAT surprised. It kind of comes along with the fact that I’ve had a tumor sitting in my brainmeats for the past 11 years at least. I have neurological damage. Its amazing I’m not sitting and drooling at you. I can deal with having the shakes and walking the way that I currently do. I’ll eventually go back to fighting and rock climbing and everything else. I have a job for a month, 40+ hours a week, which will go into my travel funds for August, when I take two weeks for a cross country trip.

I’m actually fairly happy right now, even with this little bomb of information dropped on me. The job is temporary, but it works out since I’m working on bigger plans. I’m plugging along with Alternates (which will eventually be posted here, I’m just editing the shit out of it) I’m writing scripts. I have the All Things Good and Nerdy Podcast. I have the most supportive friends and family a girl could ask for. The depressions come from isolation, which as supportive everyone is, I can’t really explain that.

Physical Therapy has been interesting. I can walk like an 8 month old currently, using various things to keep me propped up. I’m using my cane in public appearances (there aren’t many of those) and my walker at home (because I already get teased enough for looking like someones 26 year old grandmother) but I’m learning how to ride a bike again. My weight gain hasn’t been massive, I’ve only gained 6 pounds since I came back from Tampa, but its still enough for me to have a bit of a freakout. I’m not saying that I’ll be in the position I was in a year ago when I was 200+ pounds, but it took me too long to get the weight down to my current fighting weight. At least if I can ride a bike I can have some sort of workout.

The next few weeks will be trying, as I start up the temp job (which requires me getting up at 4am to walk to the train every day. Yay walking, boo waking up. Since I’ve been back, 4am is usually the time I go to bed.) and prep myself for work in convention world. If you’ll be at Star Wars Celebration, PAX Prime or New York Comic Con, I will be too and we should totally hang out. I should be cane-less as well by that point, according to the therapist. I’ll still probably have it just in case though.

I had mentioned earlier that I am still plugging away at Alternates. Please check out the first two parts and let me know what you think, because as of right now I’m editing it to oblivion. I feel like it took too obvious of a turn, and I don’t want to do that. So its in the 4th stage of editing.

I’m drawing again as well, so I’m going to start putting those up. I’m working on a project for a friend, then will have some original stuff up along with the chibi work I’ve been doing to create a new logo for All Things Good and Nerdy. I’ll be making appearances at various Game Nights and hopefully getting out of the house more. I’ll continue working and plugging along. But I needed to vent about all this weirdness that just happened.

Who doesn’t tell someone that they had a stroke, really?

I don’t regret what I do, I regret what I don’t do.

It’s been an interesting week.

When I first went into recovery post surgery I said I was going to do a blog a day, which would include the story I’m writing called Alternates.

I realized later that this is unrealistic, as I have a lot of projects going on top of this, along with trying to find a job with a steady paycheck for post recovery. Especially after the last announcement made to me about the gorram tumors.

The last bit of information sunk me pretty hard into a pretty bad depression. Like, I was depressed already, but I went back into the “what the fuck am I doing” mode, that made me question even living. Which is horrible, no one should ever have to feel that way.

Here’s the weird thing that happened though.

My brother gave me Microsoft points and downloaded Minecraft for me. I didn’t think anything of it because why would I care about a game that is literally Legos, when I have Legos AND Lego games? I had also sworn it off because, and this actually happened, my best friend almost missed her wedding BECAUSE OF MINECRAFT. These things alone made me go “oh heeeellll to the fuck no I’m not playing this”

But now its on 360, so my excuse of not playing it because it was a PC game was nulled. Then, since my brother bought it for me, I couldn’t say I can’t afford it anymore. He told me to hop on and he would teach me how to play.

It’s so simple. There is nothing in this game that would hook me. I kept telling myself that. Until 6 hours later, when I found out I had been playing for 6 STRAIGHT HOURS. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHERE DID MY TIME GO?!

I did this multiple times in a row. Being on bedrest, you really don’t do MUCH. I mean, I’m still writing stuff for the webseries (which premieres tomorrow, OMG) and working on Alternates (which, I promise, Part 3 will go up soon. I just keep rewriting it because I haven’t liked it) and physical therapy, which wears me out more than I care to admit. I played some Gears of War, some Arkham City, finished the second run of Borderlands. But I didn’t have a focus.

For some reason, Minecraft provided me with focus. It sets off my OCD in a way that would be constructed into my usual running around like a madwoman (or as Trin puts it, VIKINGSAMURAININJAWORKER) but because I physically cannot do that right now, it put my brain down and was like “Hey, calm the fuck down right now. Just because you can’t do it at this second doesn’t mean you can’t do it later. Stop trying to kill yourself and accept this.”

I have to remember that sometimes. I know that I had set myself up when I kept reminding myself that I had gone through this before. I forgot how long it took me to where I was before the second break, but I’ll be okay. I know recovery isn’t nearly as bad as it should be, but I hate not being able to do anything. By August I’ll be fine and being super ninja fighter at Star Wars Celebration and PAX Prime (possibly Gen Con as well, we’ll see) but this couple of months where I’m not allowed to do anything does sink in.

Are you on Minecraft 360? Or just on 360 and want a new friend? My GT is BakaNaki and I’m on a lot. I am not (sadly) playing Diablo III because I have a laptop that tried to explode from just thinking about it.

Now I’m worn out from the past few days. Physically being up and about is quite tiring after being in bed for 3 weeks. 🙂

{May 9, 2012}   Gorram Tumors

I was in sincere inner debate if I was going to let this info out, but since I’m writing this new side of my health journey, might as well put it all out there.

I’ve been fighting tumors for years. I know this sounds weird, but I randomly get tumors. They aren’t cysts, because we checked for that, the doctors describe them as tumors.

I have had a tumor in my brain for years. I can’t do anything about it, because there’s a good chance I’ll end up a vegetable. I’ve had 7 different tumors removed over the years.

I had to go to the doctor for a spine check up. I’m still paralyzed, although I will randomly get waves of feeling going down my legs. I’m now able to stand for a short period of time. Extremely short period of time. But its better then catapulting myself off of my bed and into the wheelchair. I had my tumor scan while I was there.

Yes, I realize I’m totally not using any sort of medical terms. Its easier this way.

One of my worst fears was confirmed: I can’t have kids. Its not so much that I want kids, AT THIS MOMENT, but if I was actually able to find someone that could A.) Put up with me B.) I could put up with C.) Travel with me and I won’t kill em D.) Convince me that children AREN’T chestbursters E.) Convince me that having kids would be a good idea, I would like to imagine that the option would be there. I’m not against adoption or anything like that, but its still one of those “bwaaaaa” moments.

The brain tumor is still there, not moving, being pokey. I feel like I should give it a nickname. They think there is another developing. I really only remember that its there when I have migraines that knock me out for days, but I’ve had those pretty much under control.

Tumors found on kidney, stomach and liver. I’m glad I’ve given up drinking, because otherwise I would be drinking right now. Pretty much confirmed I can’t for a while. Which is good for my wallet.

Yeah, not much in the way of good news this time around. Can’t all be good days.

So lets talk funny business.

I’m collaborating with @carlyspade, writing out sketches for her new webseries Intro to Nerdiness. It debuts May 21st, so you should check that out. Here’s the intro!

I also am apart of a weekly podcast called All Things Good And Nerdy (#ATGN) with @RoundTableNerds and @TheAdahy. I was off last week and will be again this week. We usually have a 4th rotating guest host, this week being @woohoocthulhu, and filling in for me this week is @MichelleEaley. It streams live on Sunday at 10am EST. Here is last weeks episode!

I’m also still writing Alternates, which Part 3 will go up within the next couple of days. I’m splitting the site into different pages. That’ll go up soon.

Mikey Neumann (@mikeyface) has said that the next part of The Returners will start going up this week, so make sure you’re staying up to date on that as well.

In August, I will be travelling to Orlando, FL for Star Wars Celebration, from there I will be flying directly to Seattle, WA for PAX Dev & Prime. Then in October I will be travelling to New York City for New York Comic Con. I hope to see some of you all there!

I saw this on Tumblr today and I laughed more than I should (yes, I did think Avengers was AMAZEBALLS) : 

Hopefully the next medical update will be something good!

{May 8, 2012}   Alternates: Part 2

This is the next part of the story Alternates. To understand what is going on, please read Part One. Please feel free to leave comments, but please be constructive in criticism.

Before Mam and the other Saviors were taken from us, I had only fought an Alt once. We mainly stayed underground, we were content there. But like most 13 year old girls, I had wanted to disobey and explore the world above. It turned out to be an almost fatal mistake right away. I was untrained. I didn’t know what I was seeing. The only times I was above ground, I was escorted by Mam, and it was just for errands. Humans and Alts both lived above ground, so Mam had a home where she had built us our underground home. I had the blue diamond contacts in, I thought I would be safe.

Can I tell you something? At 13, no matter what species you are, you’re wrong. Listen to your elders, because they are right, you’re wrong. I was not safe. By my wandering, I had not only put myself in danger, but I put Mam in danger of being found out for hording Mutts, which is punishable by death. I put the other Mutts in danger. Because I was 13, and I didn’t want to be locked up anymore.

I decided to go on the rooftops. I put 3 knives on me, one in my boot, and one in each back pocket. Because we never cut our hair, I had it pulled up into a ponytail. I thought it was silly to even bring the knives, but who knew what adventures I would find out there? Just before sunrise, Mam was asleep. I crept to the opening we used to go on our errands I opened the latch and pulled myself out of the underground. Even just entering the house without Mam was exhilarating.  Checking the windows, I looked to see if anyone was around. Seeing that the coast was clear, I dashed out the front door, across the street to the alleyway between the grocery store and an abandoned building. I saw a ladder on the side of the abandoned building, so I quickly scrambled up to the roof, ducking down, waiting for Mam to come out guns blazing.

She didn’t.

I waited what felt like hours before moving. I hopped from rooftop to rooftop, amazed at the things I could see. Everything looked so small! Everyone was so tiny! Then I ran into him.

There was an Alt on guard at the roof of a store. I didn’t understand why he was there, but since I had the contact in, I smiled politely. Gruffly, he asked “What are you doing up here?”  “Just wandering around!” I replied, with my best smile and big eyes. At that moment, I knew something was wrong. Not only was he looking at me…he was looking through me. Alarmed, I started to back away, but before I could move quickly enough he jumped, landing on top of me.

“Mutt!” He screamed, “Your fake eyes do nothing for me! Do you think we are stupid? Do you think we are powerless to you? Do you think you are better than me?”

“No! No! No!” I sobbed, trying to reach for my blade. He felt me struggling, because he pulled out his gun, holding it to my head. Before I knew it, his head exploded and I was being pulled to my feet. Mam’s white hair hit me in the face. She looked me in the eyes.

“Rissa! Rissa can you hear me? Rissa! I need you to run! Run, Rissa!” She shoved me in the opposite direction, but I couldn’t leave her behind. 2 more Alts came and the sound of the gunfire. Before I knew it, my knives were flying, landing directly in their chests. I ran and grabbed them, realizing their blood is not red like ours. Their blood runs black. I stood there for a second, staring at the chaos that I created, when Mam grabbed my arm. We ran, faster than we ever ran before, back to the grocery store, where we stayed until way past dark. Mam didn’t speak to me the entire time we were there. I spent my time counting calorie labels on cans.  She didn’t say anything when it was time to leave, she just grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the underground. The first thing she did was slap me square across the face. That hurt more than the Alt that tackled me.

“Do you know why you’re escorted everywhere? Do you? I know where it is safe for you. Alts can see past your contacts, your fake skin. Think, Rissa. Think really hard. Do you ever see Alt’s whose name I don’t know? Do you ever go to someplace where it is not full of humans? I’m trying to protect you! There are Alts everywhere. Alts can see under you. They can read your mind Rissa! Alts can control us. We got lucky today. This is why the Alts have taken over the Humans. They can read and manipulate who they are. I’ve been lucky. Your mother, was lucky. You are lucky to have this place Rissa, and you almost threw it all away. What if someone had seen us? You would have given not only our pack away, but the Opa and Pinky’s pack too!” She was so angry she didn’t look at me the entire time she spoke. I sobbed quietly to myself, giving her a minute before speaking.

“Mam..I didn’t…”

“No, Rissa, you didn’t. You didn’t think. You thought you knew it all, thought you could be safe with your little knives. You’re lucky Dylan saw you leave. I’m lucky Dylan saw you leave.” She slammed her hand against the wall. “Do you know how much I wish I could just let you go up there? How I wish the Mutts could be one of them? I want you to know who your mother is. I want you to live with a family. I want you to be able to have a family. But Rissa, you can’t right now. You can’t leave. I need you to help me take care of our ever growing family here. Can you do that?” Tears streamed down my eyes as she put her hand on my cheek.

“Of course I can Mam. I promise I will always take care of this family.”

I kept that promise. The seven years I remained in the underground with the Pack I trained and studied harder than anyone else. Dylan, one of the other Mutts who was rescued around the same time I was, tried to keep up. He was good, but he was always a step behind. He was an Alt Mutt like me, although his skin was a deep forest green and hair that was bright yellow. His eyes were two different colors, one a deep chocolate brown, the other a light blue. I told him one time that he could hypnotize the Alts with his strange eyes. He laughed, his deep, rumbling laugh that shook the cavern. For someone who was a few months younger than me, he always seemed older. He never took well to sparring or shooting, but excelled in education. He was great with Pinky, always able to keep her talking about religion.

If we weren’t fearing for our lives, we probably could have fallen in love.

When the Saviors were taken, Dylan had to pull me away from the door to the common area. I wanted so badly to save them. I resented him for taking me away, even if it was logical to care for the other Mutts. We couldn’t teach them, like Mam, Pinky and Opa, but we could keep them safe. The Human Mutts were easy to pass off to other families, who were willing and able. That still had left us with about 40 Mutts that the three Saviors had left us to take care of. With no income, no food, no water and no place to stay. We feared staying in our underground cavern. The few nights we had no choice to stay down there, we set up a watch system so that at least one person was awake at each hour. During the darkest hours I would venture outside, creeping from building to building, trying to find a safe camp. I found one abandoned building, which I stayed in overnight to see if Alts or Humans came by. It seemed safe, so we moved there.

It took about 3 days, but we were raided. It turns out our house was being watched, which meant someone saw me find the old building. Smoke bombs and gunfire poured in from all directions. Dylan moved the younger Mutts out as I stayed behind to fight. When we moved, I packed in a way that kept me heavily armed at all times. I used the two guns I had strapped to my back first. I fired into the smoke, just hoping that something will show. Their eyes are reflective, I was just waiting for a clue. Unfortunately, I was given far more than a clue. 10 Alts appeared, all armed. I should have turned and ran, but wanting to protect my family I charged them, firing wildly. They took me down easily, easily manipulating the guns out of my hands, bringing me to my knees. All the sparring in the world couldn’t have trained me for what happened next…

Part 3 will be up in a few days, I’ve already started work on it. Please feel free to leave constructive crit!

I guess in my last post I came off sounding much stronger then what it feels like sometimes.

I guess I can usually fight past everything, mainly because for so long I was okay. I did survive. I fought hard for what I wanted, and I got it.

Then there are days like today. I’m still paralyzed from the waist down, I know…stop being impatient. It’s only been a few days. At 26, my body isn’t going to heal as quickly as it would when I was 16. I know this.

But today…today I can barely will myself to do anything. I look at the chair and want it to disappear. I look at my legs and just want to cry. I fight with whoever dares to enter my room because I can’t seem to articulate how much I hate not being able to do anything.

Rejection letter after rejection letter keeps coming from jobs I’ve applied for. I love being a writer, I love working in theater, I love doing conventions…but I need a steady paycheck, and I’m not about to ask for charity. The Non-Boyfriend is really just Non now. Things are building up, and I can’t seem to shake it off.

/Deep breath

To focus on the positives of things, I’m lucky enough that I will have the feeling back in my legs in time. The logic in my head knows this.

I have some of the greatest friends in the world, even if the non-boyfriend checked out. The Chicago Enforcers have a monthly game night, and with my not being able to be there, Trin (@TrinAndTonic on Twitter) made a stand in for me:

Between her and our Super Secret Friend Karlyn they live tweeted the event to me, with awesome commentary from Paul. Josh and I struggled and failed, but we tried to Skype me into the game.

Some of the pictures:

Josh studies the game. They were playing Betrayal at House on the Hill. Trin and Karlyn played as me at first, but Josh took over. (I never got the end result if I lived to see the end though)

Josh and Paul (@porusan on Twitter) study the game. GAMING IS SERRRRIOUS BUSINESS GUYS

This is the cutest picture ever.

Not only is this the best picture taken of me EVER…I don’t have to physically be anywhere to Photobomb Trin anymore!

I love you too Trin 🙂

Things like that mean a ridiculous amount to me. I don’t even know how to repay that. It was close enough to being there for me.

I have amazing people in my life. Even when I’m down and out without a job, no use of my legs, want nothing to do but cry my eyes out and never get out of be, I’m lucky enough to know that there is someone there to yell at me to quit sobbing atnd get back up.

For everyone’s kind words, to those of you that have made me blush brighter shades of red than I ever thought possible, thank you. You really are just amazing people that I cannot express my words of gratitude for. If not for you guys I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.


Fuck it, there’s the publish button.

Just so that its out there, I’m going to post the beginnings of a story. Thanks to some crazy vivid dreams while I was undergoing surgery I started something new, one that I actually think I’m going to expand on. So I’ll post that soon.

Sometimes, funny things happen. They can be funny haha, or funny OMGWTFJUSTHAPPENED. What happened was funny OMGWTFJUSTHAPPENED.

Let me explain.

When I was 16, I was in a diving accident. One that should have paralyzed me, but due to my stubborness and about 85 million miracles, I was able to pull through to be able to walk, run and even compete in Muay Thai. Yes, I had clearance from the doctors to do so. (I think that is going to change now though). Here’s the breakdown of what happened.

At 16, I dove off of the high dive (for the first time!) and landed in an angle like this:

Well, close to that. Come on, look at the picture. It’s pretty amusing looking, and less scary then what happened.

The damage done was this:

C6 and C7, along with T2 and T3 (somehow T1 is okay?) were cracked (ask me to turn my head left or right. It’s pretty limited.)

T12, L1, L2 and L3 were pretty much destroyed. They are no longer in my spine. If you want to feel something weird I can pop the metal pieces out, you can feel the weird points where I have no spine.

Sacrum and Coccyx were cracked and severely bruised (I’m still not sure if its fixed?)

The nerves are a whole different story. You would think with such a severe injury I would be far more dead in the nerve area then what I am. Seriously kids, drink your milk or take your calcium pills or something. I have some sort of RIDONKULOUS bone density because the nerves themselves were not damaged as badly as they should have been (one of the 85 million miracles I used)

Like my sciencey pictures? But this is basically so you get the jist. The joints, traverse process, spinous process and discs were damaged beyond repair. Because of my ridiculous density, I wasn’t completely damaged in the nerves.

One of the next miracles was having a team of doctors that were open to suggestion, who were creative, who wanted to help this crazy 16 year old girl walk again.

It was a long process. Again, I got lucky, and helps that I am so stubborn it hurts. I was (am) determined to walk and compete again. I’m naturally competitive. Nothing gives you the rush like fighting does, which is really difficult to explain if you’ve never done it. Fight Club logic.

This is the part I don’t really understand how it happened, but I’ll chalk it up to one of the miracles used. Somehow I’m now clipped together with a lot of pins and metal. I’m apparently part bionic woman or something, but I have a spine, a spinal cord and can pretty much function normally. Back pain is normal. Neck pain is normal. When it comes to something like that, there will be a higher everyday pain level.

[Edit: I should probably note that 16 was almost 11 years ago. This wasn’t an overnight fix. I spent a lot of time in wheelchairs and crutches.]

Well, until about a month ago.

Side effect of competitively fighting is getting hurt. You bleed, you break your nose, ribs, bruise things…obvious things happen. So when a girl with a formerly broken spine gets caught in a clench hold and kneed to the chest a ridiculous number of times (hey, I can take that I lose fights. This girl was a BEAST) something is going to happen. Like popping out pins that are holding her spine together.

But its okay! 3 days later I got on a flight to Boston to work PAX East. With back spasms like no other. Thursday I helped out what I could before I had to lay down and take it easy so that Friday-Sunday I could be the best little Enforcer I could be. Outside of a major spasm on Friday I think I pulled off okay. Monday I was well enough that I went into downtown Boston with a fellow Enforcer and friend. During a riveting viewing of Mallard Kombat (this is not sarcasm. Seriously, if you get to see some Mallard Kombat record the shit out of it. Its fucking amazing!) the spasms started again. Then right before the PAX Post Party my back completely gave out. No heels for me that night, and my friends are amazing as the held me up for most of the night. I felt like an idiot for pushing myself so far though.

The next morning for my flight out I used my suitcase to keep myself standing, but eventually had to cave and ask for a wheelchair. Friends on board the flight helped me around the airport, although not going to lie there are some security benefits of being in a wheelchair. Got home, stayed in bed until C2E2, where I used a cane to get around for the whole show. Went to the doctor to confirm that I am in fact, a ridiculous idiot for not going to him sooner. We set up a surgery date to fix the 3 discs that moved, replace the broken pins and possibly broken metal pieces. That next week I opened Marijuanarama! 4: The Best Shit We Got with EEK Theater Company. The show was an amazing success, so much we were asked for an encore show. Sunday, did the All Things Good and Nerdy Podcast with Nerds of the Roundtable, The Adahy and Geek to Me, then went into the hospital.

I can’t tell you what they did besides fix everything and I’m not Wolverine. Its an amazing feeling, waking up not feeling anything below your neck. I wasn’t allowed to leave until after the feeling returned in my fingers but holy shit. I was scared shitless that it wasn’t going to happen. I never reacted well to knockout meds, and thats pretty much what happened. All during the surgery I had the craziest vivid dreams in the freaking world. Besides that, my body just did not want to wake up. I got out Tuesday late afternoon-ish. I still have no feeling below the waistline. But I’m told that everything went well and I’ll be back to normal in a week or so, feeling wise. I’ll have some major PT ahead, but I’ve been given the go ahead to be able to at least TRAIN in Muay Thai again. To actually compete is pretty much out of the question. My doctor hit me with the clipboard when I asked.

I know that it sounds crazy that after a broken spine that I borked by fighting that I want to go back. To be honest, Muay Thai controls the crazy that otherwise would run rampant. It would be just training, so I wouldn’t be getting my ass handed to me anymore. It’s the best way for me to stay motivated to take care of myself. I cannot explain my love for it. Just trust me that I’m not going to completely kill myself doing it.

Okay, now I’m going to nap for like 18 hours because I’m fucking tired.

et cetera