One Nerdy Cupcake

{August 2, 2012}   Ding! Level 27!

Today is my birthday.

I think normal people react to their birthdays with happiness and enthusiasm.

Personally, my birthday has always had drama linked to it, so I don’t really celebrate it. Last year I was told if I didn’t have a party my sister and her friends would take me to this local AWFUL country western bar that would make me want to tear out my ears and eyes. So I had a BBQ. There was good times and not so good times.


(ok, I’ll stop with the gifs now. I’m a gif addict. I’m sorry.)

I’m tired of being 26 though, so now it’s time to ding at level 27. +5 health, +2 mana. Upgrades include a new spine, new podcast, new novel and new website.

One thing I have come to realize is how important certain people in my life are. To not embarrass them I won’t name names, but I probably wouldn’t have made it to today without them. Something that isn’t talked about much (or I’ve touched on but never really got into how bad it actually is) is the soul crushing depression that hits when going major medical issues and/or life changes. 26 was a hard year. It was a needed year, because I have learned from it. I’ve grown from it. There are moments and things that I regret, but I can’t dwell on it.

So here’s what I did learn.

♪ Some people change, but mostly they don’t. Battling addiction is hard, even after the first few years pass. Don’t take it for granted that you did it, but remember that you have to keep doing it.

♫ Art is my passion. Writing, Singing, Acting, Dancing, Directing…all of it. It is what I do, it is what I will do for the rest of my life. There is no point in pretending that I will be happy in a cubical.

♪♫ I don’t have to push myself so hard. I break my spine that way. Also anger the brain tumor and get sick a lot. I need to not do that.

♪♫♪ Stop dwelling on the past, you can’t change it. Life’s too short to be unhappy. So quit being unhappy and just be happy.

♪♫♫ The song “Who’s Next?!” by Porcelain Black is the best song to workout to. Make sure it is on your workout playlist 900 times.

♪♫♫♪ No matter what anyone says, you can do whatever you want to do. It might take more time than other things, it might be more work than other things. But be prepared for it, and go for it.

♪♫♫♫ The trains are always going to smell bad.

♫♫♫♫ Muay Thai probably saved my life, in a strange way. It helped me cope with the panic attacks, the depression and everything else. The tentative return date is September, after PAX. My physical therapist wants to see how I handle the 3 conventions in 2 weeks before giving me a for sure go ahead. I will never be able to compete again, but I can train and help train others. To get that far will be a blessing.

♪♫♫♫♫ Podcasting is probably the most fun thing next to conventions. Do that more.

♫♫♫♫♫ Don’t engage the trolls.

So what happens next?

This weekend involves wine, games and fun. I am not fearing anymore drama this weekend.

My schedule opens a bit, so I am going to write more for KryptonianSpade and more into Alternates (which is almost finished being mapped out!)

On August 21st I head to Orlando for Star Wars Celebration. From there, on the 28th I fly to Seattle (my first cross country flight ERMAHGERD) for PAX Dev and PAX Prime.

October I will be at New York Comic Con again!

I might have some announcements for November, if you’re in Texas keep an eye out 🙂

Moving forward, one day at a time.


Okay, I admit, that is bad even for me. Here is an actual picture to end this post with.




I don’t regret what I do, I regret what I don’t do.

It’s been an interesting week.

When I first went into recovery post surgery I said I was going to do a blog a day, which would include the story I’m writing called Alternates.

I realized later that this is unrealistic, as I have a lot of projects going on top of this, along with trying to find a job with a steady paycheck for post recovery. Especially after the last announcement made to me about the gorram tumors.

The last bit of information sunk me pretty hard into a pretty bad depression. Like, I was depressed already, but I went back into the “what the fuck am I doing” mode, that made me question even living. Which is horrible, no one should ever have to feel that way.

Here’s the weird thing that happened though.

My brother gave me Microsoft points and downloaded Minecraft for me. I didn’t think anything of it because why would I care about a game that is literally Legos, when I have Legos AND Lego games? I had also sworn it off because, and this actually happened, my best friend almost missed her wedding BECAUSE OF MINECRAFT. These things alone made me go “oh heeeellll to the fuck no I’m not playing this”

But now its on 360, so my excuse of not playing it because it was a PC game was nulled. Then, since my brother bought it for me, I couldn’t say I can’t afford it anymore. He told me to hop on and he would teach me how to play.

It’s so simple. There is nothing in this game that would hook me. I kept telling myself that. Until 6 hours later, when I found out I had been playing for 6 STRAIGHT HOURS. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHERE DID MY TIME GO?!

I did this multiple times in a row. Being on bedrest, you really don’t do MUCH. I mean, I’m still writing stuff for the webseries (which premieres tomorrow, OMG) and working on Alternates (which, I promise, Part 3 will go up soon. I just keep rewriting it because I haven’t liked it) and physical therapy, which wears me out more than I care to admit. I played some Gears of War, some Arkham City, finished the second run of Borderlands. But I didn’t have a focus.

For some reason, Minecraft provided me with focus. It sets off my OCD in a way that would be constructed into my usual running around like a madwoman (or as Trin puts it, VIKINGSAMURAININJAWORKER) but because I physically cannot do that right now, it put my brain down and was like “Hey, calm the fuck down right now. Just because you can’t do it at this second doesn’t mean you can’t do it later. Stop trying to kill yourself and accept this.”

I have to remember that sometimes. I know that I had set myself up when I kept reminding myself that I had gone through this before. I forgot how long it took me to where I was before the second break, but I’ll be okay. I know recovery isn’t nearly as bad as it should be, but I hate not being able to do anything. By August I’ll be fine and being super ninja fighter at Star Wars Celebration and PAX Prime (possibly Gen Con as well, we’ll see) but this couple of months where I’m not allowed to do anything does sink in.

Are you on Minecraft 360? Or just on 360 and want a new friend? My GT is BakaNaki and I’m on a lot. I am not (sadly) playing Diablo III because I have a laptop that tried to explode from just thinking about it.

Now I’m worn out from the past few days. Physically being up and about is quite tiring after being in bed for 3 weeks. 🙂

{December 16, 2010}   I’m really lazy sometimes.

{December 15, 2010}   Oh Shit! It’s a video post!

Hi Guys!

Be afraid. You’re going to see who I am and you are going to hear what I sound like.

{December 10, 2010}   A Somewhat Serious Post

Sorry, I didn’t get a post up yesterday. I have issues. That yay, you get to hear about!

I’m working on keeping at least a post a day up here. But I really do have issues…mainly of the psychological kind. We all do. We all hit those moments.

I am not medicated, and I probably should consider going back to medication, but I have severe (almost crippling) social anxiety, bi-polar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Doing this blog is my way of reaching out of my bubble that I’ve created (the room that I took you on a tour of earlier this week). Behind the scenes of my geekery is one very scared girl.

I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that while my dreams of being a rockstar or an actress are probably gone with age (25 is a hard age to break out in these days) and lack of money (an agent in my area, bare bones, worst agent you can find is a minimum of a $400 down payment, which I never have lying around) and have pretty much succumbed to the fact that I am probably doing what I do best…being behind a computer…for the rest of my life is fine, I’ve never faced this huge a failure in life before.

This failure I’m talking of is being fired. I know, its silly. But I’ve never honestly been trained in anything my whole career life. I’ve always trained myself and I’ve never failed. Never had any issues.

But I struggled and I failed in this job, and facing that is really, really difficult. I know people who constantly get fired from jobs or can’t hold a job down for longer than 2 months and I really don’t know how people do that I would go crazy. I am, currently, going very crazy. Panic attacks left and right.

So I write these blog posts when I have something interesting to say, or something funny, or witty, or whatever.

My goal is still at least a post a day. I won’t post any self depreciating things and stuff like that. I just felt like I owe an explanation for right now, and why I’m probably a lot more cynical and a lot less funny.  I have a Tree Decorating party tonight, a Tree Decorating party tomorrow afternoon and a Big Lebowski party tomorrow night. Before you ask, yes this does play into my anxiety, but for the most part it is family or people I consider family, so I’m somewhat okay. I will probably still need to medicate in some form (most likely alcohol).

But within those I should find a voice and a better post. One that doesn’t suck like this one. I should probably write about The Walking Dead and my love of it too.

{December 8, 2010}   Virtual Tour of My Life Part 2

So, really in all honesty there is only a couple of places left to see. But you need to know one thing.

The dogs rule in our house.

Sleeping...because otherwise I wouldn't get a picture of him


This is Fila. He is 14 years old. He’s going blind and deaf. I can’t take a picture of him if he’s not asleep. See that purple under him? We have fleece blankets over all of our couch instead of couch cushions, because between him and Gizmo (pictured next) we barely have any cushions. Also, half the time we can’t sit on the couch because one of them are there and will not allow us to sit with them. They don’t bite or anything…but they plan out little revenges. Like throwing up in front of people we’ve had over for the first time. Or humping each other in the same situation.

He actually let me take a picture


This is Gizmo. The fact that he is in fact he is a giant dog does not show well in this picture. He is a German Shepherd/Alaskan Malmute mix. Fila is a Chow/Lab mix. Gizmo also thinks he is a lap dog, and tries to sit on us on a pretty regular basis. I think he weighs about 135 pounds, and its not a pleasant weight for your lap. Gizmo is afraid of everything. He will not go through a door that is even a little closed (the door has to be pressed against the wall). He will not jump down from a bed (and sometimes couch) if there is nothing underneath (like a blanket or one of the dog beds that are constantly ignored). He will not go up the top stair without being coaxed. He’ll climb up to it, but he will not finish going up the step until we tell him “Come on Gizmo!” I have crazy dogs.

More dogs.

This occurs every 10 minutes in the winter.

They also take over the tiny bathroom we have. Currently we have 4 people living here. That number changes often, just because of siblings and all of us moving in and out. But we only have one full bathroom, so we all share it. This includes the dogs.

Neither dog really fits there.

Yes. They like the area between the bathtub and the toilet. I don't know why.

Trying to have bathroom privacy in this house is kind of a joke. While I’m in the shower, my mom is usually blow drying her hair and my brother is pounding on the door. Its pretty normal to us. But I do have a few issues with the bathroom.

I’m claustrophobic. I hate showering for this reason. Also for the reason that our shower curtain SUCKS, and has a life of its own and tries to eat me while I’m showering. We also get spiders and ants THAT FALL OUT OF THE WALL. Its super creepy. One time I counted no less than 40 ants fall out of the wall in a 5 minute period. I said fuck it and skipped the shower that day. Got ant traps and cowered. There is also one little area that refuses to not be slippery. I wash down the shower before I get into it, I’ve worn those stupid shower slippers…I NEVER NOT SLIP ON THAT SPOT. I don’t know what it is! Its just meant to always be slippery.

The devil is made of this bathtub

For all things evil, enter this tiny area.

I have one little area of entertainment. Where the Wii is hooked up and my Netflix is cued. That, in fact, is this area:

Source of Entertainment!

TA DA!!!!!

This is actually the first thing you see when you walk in. Wii, Netflix and a big TV…all it requires is for me to leave my room.

Place where food stuffs is stored.

I spend a lot of time in here. One because I own a bakery. Two because I'm a fatty.

This is the place where food takes place. I can usually be seen standing in there stuffing my face, or standing in there baking something to later stuff my face with.

More Kitchen

Yay, more of the food room!

Yes, we keep our pills in the kitchen. And we are a family of Chicago Bears fans. Also, that toaster there? Just for show really. It is completely bi-polar. I’ll put it where it says it will burn, and then it barely toasts it. Then I’ll put it down to toast again and it is completely burned to crap. I can’t win!

So that is the tour of my oh so exciting household. Don’t you feel just a little bit closer now?

{December 7, 2010}   A Virtual Tour of My Life Part 1

Two posts in two days? WTF? I know right. I’m well on my way to becoming a SUPER BLOGGER!

Or. You know. Being unemployed and applying at jobs all day makes the mind go a little crazy, and I needed a break that was not in the form of a certain Epic videogame that mocks me for my lack of coordination as of late.

Here is a tour of a good percent of my life, which is spent in my house. We’ll start with my tiny room, with my ridiculous bed. You can click on the pictures to see them bigger. I doubt they are at full-res though.

View from the Door

Its a bit crampy

This is the room where all of my magical words come from. Don’t be fooled by the TV…the only thing it plays is DVDs, shown on the rack next to it. You can kind of tell the ridiculousness of my bed by its height here…the TV is placed on top of a table, with a giant suitcase on top of it. I paint, as you can tell by the easel.  That painting was just finished the day I lost my job…and was sitting for about a year before that. I paint when I get really stressed out that I can barely see straight…probably why I won’t sell any of them. My dresser mainly just stores my clothes..I tend to forget I have clothes once they go in there. You’re getting a lucky view of my room…I stayed up until 1am cleaning last night out of boredom. Artists that you can kind of see there are Lucy Knisley, David Willis, Randal Milholland, Danielle Corsetto and Erika Moen.

Ridiculous Bed!!

I told you my bed was ridiculous

My bed does not really fit in my room. At all. To do anything in there you almost always will be on the bed. This does cause awkward moments…there are just some people in the world you don’t want to share a bed with, even if you are just sitting there, you’re on a bed. So you automatically think something is going to happen. And then I have to scream and hide under giant bed…and I can’t help it that I have a huge (and comfy) bed!

Also, the whiteboard is something to make me feel like an adult. But in actuality, I haven’t written on it in months. My sister and boyfriend wrote on it last…back in August.

More artists featured here are Tom Kelly (which if I could find his website I would link) Jeph Jaques and more from Randal Milholland

I have a curtain up. Not that you can tell. Its white and useless.

More ridiculousness.

The mirrored wall was here when we moved in 80 trillion years ago.

I hate the mirrored wall. Again, it makes for awkward moments…because people think that I like to watch when bedroom things happen. First off, that would require bedroom things to happen. Secondly, it was here when we moved here. Thirdly, spiders live behind it and it makes me go ehhhhhhhhh. I hate spiders.

I have yoga pictures up…to motivate me to do yoga…and I never do. Mainly lack of room…you can’t do yoga on a bed. Pair that with my laziness, yeah it ain’t happening. Next to the yoga pictures on that little wall that sticks out so I can have a closet is a whiteboard/corkboard stuck with weightloss tips and where I monitor my weight. Obviously not pictured.

On my nightstand you see my laptop, which is on top of books because otherwise it overheats. I am, what we call around here, ghetto…because I can’t afford a new laptop and I would rather have it sit on top of books then to lose my laptop to a burning firey death (but that will probably be how I die). The thing is always on…because I constantly have to have noise. Even when sleeping. My brain overruns itself otherwise and I go crazy…crazier…and I need to be able to focus on something. Whether its bad music or The Big Bang Theory, something ALWAYS is playing so that I don’t have to overthink and hurt myself. But that side of crazy will be saved for another blog.

Pooh Bear is actually Secret Agent Pooh…it is a thing, shut up…and I’ve had him for a couple of months…he basically just keeps falling in the crack between the bed and the wall all the time. Pillows make the bed feel a little bit fuller, so I’m not in the giant thing by myself.

Look, I read! I'm smart!

Things that make me look smart

Hookah is not for pot. Clearing that up right now.

I have a ton and a half more books than that. But I’m lazy and haven’t gotten them from the various places where they are. Lots of little statues and knick knacks. Batman Costume. Epic Mickey figurine.

So that is part one of my life. Mainly because I think this is the longest post I’ve made, and I gotta figure out how to write the next part of it. Enjoy!

First off, the announcement: I will be writing weekly-ish for Nerds of the Round Table. Yay! I have branched out and reach other people! I’ve been working on a writeup for an silly intro for myself, which of course I will let you all know when I post.

…There is an owl outside my window, and its kinda freaking me out. 1:30 in the morning is not a good time for big yellow eyes making noises at me to be staring at me.

So originally this post was going to be a real intro about me, since I realized that you as the reader don’t really know me…outside of the fact I am a girl who is a nerd and likes cupcakes and recently watched Battlestar Galactica.

But today I got fired from my job.

I have never…EVER…been fired before.

It shocked me. I didn’t react when he told me…I grabbed all of my stuff, shoved it in a bag, walked out. Ran into one of the guys on my way out, gave him a hug…and drove home sobbing.

Cried for like 4 hours. Seriously…I never ever cry that much.

First person I called was my previous boss, which of course they are on a hiring freeze. Texted a lot, called a lot. Filed unemployment.

Tomorrow I’m going to restaurants and trying to find waitressing jobs. Its not what I want to do but you know what…until I get a steady job it will work fine.

BUT…if you’re in the Chicagoland area…I NEED A JOB. I have been a personal assistant (outside of this job that I just got fired from) for the past 9 years. I was only at this job for 2 months…seriously its not even going on my resume.  I’m extremely fantastic with computers and I’m really…a fantastic assistant. Ask any of my previous employers.

What does this mean for you, the reader? Probably a lot more posts. Also, I have a shit ton to write about Epic Mickey, as I have been playing almost non-stop since Tuesday, when it came out.

For now, goodnight. Tomorrow is another day. Life goes on, with or without finances.

et cetera