One Nerdy Cupcake











Not long ago there was a big thing on depression and suicide awareness (which I feel is something that we should be aware of more than once a year but that is for a different post) and I tried writing a post, contributing my thoughts and feelings on the matter, along with how I both publicly and privately battle bipolar disorder. The post delved too far into my psyche for me to post publicly comfortably though, and it was deleted.

I still want to talk about it though, and I can use this past week as a pretty good example of how bad it gets sometimes.

It goes without saying that depression isn’t always something you can physically see. My father is a big advocate of “If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist”, so I know there are people out there who believe it. This week, almost the past two weeks, has been a good example of how this can physically manifest in someone though.

*deep breath*

I have called this number before. If you feel you cannot turn to anyone, they will be there for you.

After working conventions I generally feel a sense of being lost afterwords. I know a lot of convention crew that do, we generally call it Post Con Depression or PCD. We go through a lot to put on the conventions that you know and love, working long hours (I think one of my log times was 50 hours in 3 days) dealing with both happy and unhappy convention goers with smiles on our faces, knowing everything that is going on (memorization is key here!) and so on. By the end of it all we usually lack voices, sleep, food and our minds, but we’re happy because we put on something that made thousands of people happy. Some crews are smaller (Star Wars Celebration was less than 100 crew members) some crews are bigger (Enforcers is over 600 now I believe) but there is a definite sense of community. You are thrown into the fire together, you emerge together. Then everyone leaves. It’s done. You walk back into your life and you wonder, “What’s next?”

Chicago-based Enforcers have a monthly game night which helps pass the time along between PAX’s, and you’re able to see friends from that group of people. C2E2 is my home convention, meaning I can see the team from there more often if I can make it into the city (there are only a few of us suburban kids, surprisingly enough) A lot of my comrades from these conventions don’t live close though, within the 30 miles from my home to Chicago. There are the ones I only get to see once or twice a year because of distance. All of my money goes into being able to travel to each of these conventions around the country, so it’s not like I can go on vacation to see them (maybe one day that will happen?) Back to the point though, after a convention, even with the gatherings to make it through, you’re still sad by the end of a con. This time for me was more than that.

This 2 week stretch of conventions was a physical test upon myself to see if I could do it. Star Wars Celebration was my first con since surgery, since it was a pretty low-key convention I did pretty okay, but I was worn out at the end of each day. I contribute a lot of that to being under the weather as well, but I still knocked out early each night. I knew the second convention, PAX Dev/Prime would be harder on me, as I knew there was an industry thing every night after the show, along with a lot more people who I would need to see. Don’t get me wrong, I knew some people going into SWC, but I knew already what PAX had to hold for me. I was right too, physically PAX was much harder on me than SWC. By the end of it all, when I got on the plane home from Seattle, I was incredibly teary eyed from all the emotions, as well as losing feeling in my legs on the plane. After I got home I fell into a coma and slept for 15 hours. I woke up to cry a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I started working on editing all (almost 2000) pictures that I had taken over the 2 weeks. I took screenshots of the new website that is so close to being done, to put up here as a placeholder. I wrote more into Alternates. I sent my resume to more people. I still had some energy in me to prove “I can do this. I can be a real working adult who can work from home. I am a big girl!”

To go from this…

…to this…is pretty mind shattering.

But that died quickly.

The day I got back I received a text from one of the girls at Office Job that the Chicago public school teachers are going on strike. I had a podcast to prepare for. Then I was informed that the teachers were going on strike and I would be working full-time in the schools as a glorified babysitter/teacher. My parents confronted me on more financial issues that are happening. My back went completely out, causing me to fall down the stairs and hit my head quite hard. Doctors notes upon doctors notes happened. I went to work in the school. Children asking all things of me, ages 5-14, when I can barely handle having a niece and nephew. OCD went into full rage. My hands bled from how dry and cracked they were from all the hand sanitizer I went through. I began to break down. I left work early. I avoided the kids. I hid in the bathroom to stay away from them. I was doing more harm than good being around them.

It was close friends birthday gathering on Friday. I was able to go, I had a great time. We saw an awful movie. It was great. But when I got home I couldn’t muster up the energy to prepare for my father’s 50th birthday bbq. I had a 4 layer cake to bake, along with a full-scale menu to prepare and my own gluten free options. Instead I went to bed.

I didn’t get up until late the next morning.

I baked the cake, but my dad decided he wanted to make the menu himself (I’m pretty positive he is where my stubbornness comes from) which left me to…go back to bed. I barely made it outside for the party. My best friend, who I haven’t seen in a few months even came. He played well with my nephew, making me laugh a lot. But then I went back upstairs.  Everyone sent me text messages while I was in bed that the cake was great. “cool,” I thought, and then rolled over and went to sleep. Woke up later that night, powered through some more Borderlands, went back to sleep. Did the podcast on Sunday. I feel in general it was one of our stronger broadcasts but I just wasn’t…good. I think. I’m sure if I listen now it would be okay, but I felt off. Played Borderlands all day. Didn’t get out of bed. Called off of work Monday and Tuesday. Didn’t get out of bed. Strike ended Tuesday night, realized I didn’t have to be at work again until Thursday. I went to the midnight release of Borderlands 2, where I was outcasted for being the only girl there. Brother and Brothers Friend stood up for me, sexist dude was escorted out but the damage was done. Didn’t get out of bed on Wednesday. Got a call for a job interview, it was cancelled. More reason to not get out of bed. I am here at work today because I was afraid of losing the only steady source of income I have. Which isn’t anything really, but I still need it.

My brain, this entire two weeks, has been berating me.

Oh, you’re sad? You’re sad you can’t see your friends? Oh, well there are some starving kids over in Africa who are dying because they have no food. You should probably go save them. Maybe you’ll make some friends there.

Oh, your back hurts? Good. You deserve that. You know there are people who break their spines and never walk again? Way to suck. So what if your back hurts, you have a whole new spine and you can walk. Maybe you should go talk to someone in a wheelchair who will never walk again. Jerk.

You’re so weird. Why can’t you get out of bed like normal people. Normal people work at offices and have friends and be social. You just sit in bed and be sad all the time. But you’re too weak to get out of bed aren’t you? You’re scared people are going to see you for what you are, just a sad weirdo.

You should probably just stay in bed and play more Borderlands. No one wants to see you anyway. Why do you even bother trying to communicate with people? It just comes back to you in the long run. 

Congratulations, you were able to hold a phone conversation without having a full-blown panic attack. Maybe one day you’ll learn how to get out of bed and shower like a normal person.

Doctors are giving you more bad news? Good. You probably deserve it for not being grateful enough for what you have. Did you know some people don’t have a family to run to when they are sad? You should probably feel more sad. 

Can’t find something to do with your time? How about spending more time on that website that you have been promising. What about all of those hair flowers that need to be made? What about all the theater stuff you need to complete? Have you started drawing more art? How about writing some more? Oh, you’re just going to sit and play more video games aren’t you? Too good for doing all the work  you’re supposed to be doing? Look at you. You’re letting everyone down. You should be ashamed.

And I am ashamed.

Not for what I am going through, not for the fact that this is something I deal with so regularly that I should be used to it by this point.

I’m ashamed that I let it get to this point.

I am a victim of my own brain, a lot of which I know where it stems from. Before this second breakage of spine I was working out 6 days a week, training in Muay Thai, weights and a lot of cardio. Now running the 3 miles I did every day looks impossible. But working out that hard every day kept myself occupied and I was able to avoid the negative thoughts that usually take control, as they have done the past two weeks. Conventions keep me busy. Office jobs do not. Staying bed for days on end (even if it is to play an awesome video game) is probably bad.

I’m slowly starting to work my way back, just in time for New York Comic Con, my last convention of  this year. From there I have to plan out next year, expenses and what I plan to attended. I have a job interview today. I have a podcast to plan for this week. I have to apply for more jobs. I need to work on this website.

I have things to do. Now all I need is the will to do it.

The point that is being made here is this is just the way depression can physically manifest in someone. Depending on how bad it gets. I let it get to this point by not trying to avoid it. Avoidance has always been the best way for me to deal with these things. Each person who suffers from depression or bipolar disorder does this in their own way. For me, when my depression is bad I cannot (and more than likely will not) get out of bed. Some people choose to go through depression phases in alcohol binges, some choose sex, some choose art, some choose medication.

The point is, almost everyone I know gets depressed. You aren’t alone in this.

Suicide feels like an answer, an escape, but it’s not. You can guilt yourself out of it, like I do. “Think of all the people you’re letting down by giving up!” you can find someone to talk to about it. Write. Draw. Create. Destroy. Dig a hole, burn some wood. Find an outlet.

Never give up, never surrender.

Don’t be like me. Get out of bed. Don’t let your brain win. Get help. Always ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.

Ask for help.



I am really trying to keep up with this and put up a post a week on top of everything else I am doing. Goal is to have the site relaunched before I leave on my cross country convention travels. But sometimes my brain is full of mushies and today was one of those days. Solution? Hit the Twitters. @TrinAndTonic tweeted at me “HOW ABOUT TWO OF THE LIVE ACIDOPHILUS CULTURES IN A YOGURT CUP GAIN SENTIENCE AND HAVE A CONVERSATION” which is my reminder as to why I don’t eat yogurt. Because I literally envision this EVERY TIME I see yogurt.

Acidophilus: Oh my goodness, I’m alive!

Other Acidophilus: I’m alive too!

Acidophilus: Hello fellow Acidophilus! Do you have a name?

Other Acidophilus: I do not, because I am just and Acidophilus! You can call me Cid!

Acidophilus: Hello Cid! I suppose I will be called Phil.

Cid: Hello Phil!

Phil: Hello Cid!

Cid: So do you think that other Acidophilus will be chatting with us soon?

Phil: I sure do hope so! I would like to know how others would feel swimming in a tub of ourselves!

Cid: Hey, what is that big thing above us?

Phil: Oh my god, it’s coming this way!

Cid: Quick Phil, run away!

Phil: I can’t, I am stuck in a pile of myself!

Cid: OH MY GOD

[spoon stabs through Cid]

Phil: NOOOOO CID! CURSE YOU GIANT THING FROM BEYOND!

Cid [screaming from beyond]: OH GOD THERE ARE TEETH! I’M GOING INTO A SLIMY PIT OF GROSS THINGS! AHHHHH

I feel bad for Phil. He lost his only friend to me needing to eat. This is also why I can’t kill bugs, because I feel like they have families to go home to. Also now I’m feeling really guilty about eating meat. I think I’ll pet a cow on my way home. Yes, I can pet a cow on my way home. 

I also got a request from @mvbattista for a post about Pudding. 

Pudding is great right? Because it’s not alive like yogurt is. I don’t have to envision a tiny little acidophilus being ripped away from its family so that I can eat something. Plus it’s delicious! If I have my way it will probably be chocolate too, so you know. Chocolate pudding = the closest thing to yogurt I can eat.

But then again there are those people who use chocolate pudding as pranks, like putting it in a baby diaper and then eating it in public. Then there are those really cruel people in high school who would have people sit in chocolate. Like, how mean can you get? But seriously, those people who put it in baby diapers? That is cruel and unusual punishment to those of us who enjoy chocolate pudding, but have crazy OCD issues. YOU’RE SO MEAN.

Unless you’re actually eating Baby Poops. Then I request that you seek help.

Next request came from @lolatron, who requested a post about Unicorns.

Growing up I totally thought Unicorns were a real thing, not something that I dreamed of being real. I would see horses and ask to see unicorns as well. Most farmers thought I was a cute little girl, one was even so kind to put a paper towel tube on a horse for me. It was cute right? Until I got older and realized that those farmers were assholes in never telling me unicorns weren’t real. I read this book called The Last Unicorn and ran home crying to my aunt, who then realized this child has a way too active imagination, and was informed that Unicorns are not real. I also learned how Santa and the Easter  Bunny wasn’t real then too. Way to be an asshole about this, farmer men.

The thing is, I like to believe that unicorns still do exist. Because seriously, how awesome is a unicorn? Fuck you reality, that’s what I have to say about that. Unicorns are the shit, and ponies with paper towel rolls on their head are cute but they don’t fart rainbows.

That’s right, I said it.

 

Adding in the tags and topics make this the most random shit I think I’ve written. Want to request me to write something random for you? Tweet @1nerdycupcake or email me at onenerdycupcake@gmail.com!



{August 2, 2012}   Ding! Level 27!

Today is my birthday.

I think normal people react to their birthdays with happiness and enthusiasm.

Personally, my birthday has always had drama linked to it, so I don’t really celebrate it. Last year I was told if I didn’t have a party my sister and her friends would take me to this local AWFUL country western bar that would make me want to tear out my ears and eyes. So I had a BBQ. There was good times and not so good times.

 

(ok, I’ll stop with the gifs now. I’m a gif addict. I’m sorry.)

I’m tired of being 26 though, so now it’s time to ding at level 27. +5 health, +2 mana. Upgrades include a new spine, new podcast, new novel and new website.

One thing I have come to realize is how important certain people in my life are. To not embarrass them I won’t name names, but I probably wouldn’t have made it to today without them. Something that isn’t talked about much (or I’ve touched on but never really got into how bad it actually is) is the soul crushing depression that hits when going major medical issues and/or life changes. 26 was a hard year. It was a needed year, because I have learned from it. I’ve grown from it. There are moments and things that I regret, but I can’t dwell on it.

So here’s what I did learn.

♪ Some people change, but mostly they don’t. Battling addiction is hard, even after the first few years pass. Don’t take it for granted that you did it, but remember that you have to keep doing it.

♫ Art is my passion. Writing, Singing, Acting, Dancing, Directing…all of it. It is what I do, it is what I will do for the rest of my life. There is no point in pretending that I will be happy in a cubical.

♪♫ I don’t have to push myself so hard. I break my spine that way. Also anger the brain tumor and get sick a lot. I need to not do that.

♪♫♪ Stop dwelling on the past, you can’t change it. Life’s too short to be unhappy. So quit being unhappy and just be happy.

♪♫♫ The song “Who’s Next?!” by Porcelain Black is the best song to workout to. Make sure it is on your workout playlist 900 times.

♪♫♫♪ No matter what anyone says, you can do whatever you want to do. It might take more time than other things, it might be more work than other things. But be prepared for it, and go for it.

♪♫♫♫ The trains are always going to smell bad.

♫♫♫♫ Muay Thai probably saved my life, in a strange way. It helped me cope with the panic attacks, the depression and everything else. The tentative return date is September, after PAX. My physical therapist wants to see how I handle the 3 conventions in 2 weeks before giving me a for sure go ahead. I will never be able to compete again, but I can train and help train others. To get that far will be a blessing.

♪♫♫♫♫ Podcasting is probably the most fun thing next to conventions. Do that more.

♫♫♫♫♫ Don’t engage the trolls.

So what happens next?

This weekend involves wine, games and fun. I am not fearing anymore drama this weekend.

My schedule opens a bit, so I am going to write more for KryptonianSpade and more into Alternates (which is almost finished being mapped out!)

On August 21st I head to Orlando for Star Wars Celebration. From there, on the 28th I fly to Seattle (my first cross country flight ERMAHGERD) for PAX Dev and PAX Prime.

October I will be at New York Comic Con again!

I might have some announcements for November, if you’re in Texas keep an eye out 🙂

Moving forward, one day at a time.

 

Okay, I admit, that is bad even for me. Here is an actual picture to end this post with.

 

ERMAHGERD!



I don’t regret what I do, I regret what I don’t do.

It’s been an interesting week.

When I first went into recovery post surgery I said I was going to do a blog a day, which would include the story I’m writing called Alternates.

I realized later that this is unrealistic, as I have a lot of projects going on top of this, along with trying to find a job with a steady paycheck for post recovery. Especially after the last announcement made to me about the gorram tumors.

The last bit of information sunk me pretty hard into a pretty bad depression. Like, I was depressed already, but I went back into the “what the fuck am I doing” mode, that made me question even living. Which is horrible, no one should ever have to feel that way.

Here’s the weird thing that happened though.

My brother gave me Microsoft points and downloaded Minecraft for me. I didn’t think anything of it because why would I care about a game that is literally Legos, when I have Legos AND Lego games? I had also sworn it off because, and this actually happened, my best friend almost missed her wedding BECAUSE OF MINECRAFT. These things alone made me go “oh heeeellll to the fuck no I’m not playing this”

But now its on 360, so my excuse of not playing it because it was a PC game was nulled. Then, since my brother bought it for me, I couldn’t say I can’t afford it anymore. He told me to hop on and he would teach me how to play.

It’s so simple. There is nothing in this game that would hook me. I kept telling myself that. Until 6 hours later, when I found out I had been playing for 6 STRAIGHT HOURS. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHERE DID MY TIME GO?!

I did this multiple times in a row. Being on bedrest, you really don’t do MUCH. I mean, I’m still writing stuff for the webseries (which premieres tomorrow, OMG) and working on Alternates (which, I promise, Part 3 will go up soon. I just keep rewriting it because I haven’t liked it) and physical therapy, which wears me out more than I care to admit. I played some Gears of War, some Arkham City, finished the second run of Borderlands. But I didn’t have a focus.

For some reason, Minecraft provided me with focus. It sets off my OCD in a way that would be constructed into my usual running around like a madwoman (or as Trin puts it, VIKINGSAMURAININJAWORKER) but because I physically cannot do that right now, it put my brain down and was like “Hey, calm the fuck down right now. Just because you can’t do it at this second doesn’t mean you can’t do it later. Stop trying to kill yourself and accept this.”

I have to remember that sometimes. I know that I had set myself up when I kept reminding myself that I had gone through this before. I forgot how long it took me to where I was before the second break, but I’ll be okay. I know recovery isn’t nearly as bad as it should be, but I hate not being able to do anything. By August I’ll be fine and being super ninja fighter at Star Wars Celebration and PAX Prime (possibly Gen Con as well, we’ll see) but this couple of months where I’m not allowed to do anything does sink in.

Are you on Minecraft 360? Or just on 360 and want a new friend? My GT is BakaNaki and I’m on a lot. I am not (sadly) playing Diablo III because I have a laptop that tried to explode from just thinking about it.

Now I’m worn out from the past few days. Physically being up and about is quite tiring after being in bed for 3 weeks. 🙂



{June 8, 2011}   Your Questions!

So for a while now I’ve been stating I would do an “Ask the Nerd Girl” type article, but as things would have it a lot of the questions sent in (via Twitter or Email) were personal mixed with nerd things. So I’m just calling it “Your Questions!” until I can think of a better name. I’m going to be answering both types of questions, and do the best I can to answer them to liking. J Luckily for all of you, I have no shame and don’t mind answering the personal ones. The first question I’m answering is the most popular one, which if you follow our Twitter feeds (@1nerdycupcake and @RoundTableNerds) its kind of obvious as to why.

What is the deal with you and @RoundTableNerds?

Once upon a time I was writing on this site as a blog to get me through Battlestar Galactica. Basically to keep me on track with it, voice my opinion through each episode, basically make me watch it. I won’t lie to you, I like Sci-Fi movies, but I’ve never really watched the TV shows. It’s only become more recent that you’ll see me watching that genre. Chris found me through the power of search engines on WordPress (actually, that’s just an assumption as to how he found me) and we started talking from there. Eventually I volunteered to help write for his site, Nerds of the Round Table (which I still suck at doing because he is more on the ball then I am when it comes to the entertainment releases of things.) and I’ve written a few articles for him. We also have mad rivalry when it comes to football because he is a Green Bay Packers fan, and myself being a Chicago-land resident and a lifetime Bears fan… well, lets just say we butt heads once football season comes around. The general having a lot of the same interests keeps us talking pretty regularly. Also he likes to bitch at me since I’m slow with TV shows. He’s also my Twitter pimp, since a lot of my followers come from him doing Follow Fridays with my name on it.

Basically, if I ever become popular it’s his fault. For reals though, his site is updated far more regularly (and with better writing quality) then mine ever is (especially with him being on the ball and all) and you should use him as a better nerd source.

I’ve followed you from your articles and public speaking about Bi-Polar Disorder, Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It has been a while since you’ve spoken out about it, and I’m just curious as to why you’ve stopped being vocal. – Tara

First off, that is super sweet to follow me all of this way! I’m very flattered that anyone would follow me that long, and I really appreciate it.

I stopped being vocal about my brain matters because people asked me to is essentially what it boils down to. During my later articles and speaking events I spoke how I refuse medication and treatment for what I refer to as the “crazies” part of my brain. Pharmaceutical companies and the like don’t like that. Also, to me it’s not needed, but I won’t deny that some people do. I guess people started listening to a point where they would go off of their medication or stop therapy and bad things would happen. This is not good for everybody, and while I had tried to get that point across, it would still do more harm then good.

My feelings towards medication and therapy remain the same though; I feel if you are a case like me you can help yourself more than someone or something telling you how to feel can. I also believe you can put your “label” to work; I use my OCD towards my work and my hobbies. It’s a matter of not letting the label control you and you doing what needs to be done to keep yourself happy.

If someone were to approach me about writing or speaking again I would do it in a heartbeat. I want to help and be there for those with cases like mine. I like to hear the stories of people worse than mine who have overcome the labels. I learned a lot, and would like to continue learning more.  I just have to wait for lightning to strike on that deal.

You write a lot about how you are reading DC; do you ever read Marvel or other labels? – Common Question

It’s actually only pretty recently did I start reading DC, within the past two years or so. Before I was always a Marvel reader. I actually fell out of the comic ring for a long time because I honestly just couldn’t afford it anymore.

I read pretty much anything I can get my hands on. I have a couple of friends in the comic business and they’ve been the ones guiding me through the current DC Universe, starting with Green Lantern: Rebirth. I am reading Flash: Rebirth right now and starting on Flashpoint.

I still follow X-Men and Spiderman pretty regularly.  I just haven’t been crazy about the Marvel Universe as of late, and just fallen out of pattern.

I just really enjoy comics, and whenever I can afford to keep up I do. I don’t have a preference DC vs. Marvel, because I feel they are two different entities and two different types of comics. Other labels are included; I really just enjoy reading comics regardless of label.

Yes, this also is in regards to webcomics. I love webcomics, and I read them daily. The three specific ones I read on a daily basis is Questionable Content, Girls with Slingshots and Something Positive. Weekly I read Hijinks Ensue, Sam and Fuzzy, Punch and Pie, Three Word Phrase, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, Wasted Talent, Shortpacked! and MegaTokyo. I’m sure there is even more I can list here but this article is long enough as it is J

Are you a gamer at all? – John

Not so much anymore. I’ve never been good with video games, because I either get bored or frustrated. I’ve played DnD. Every now and then you’ll catch me on Xbox Live playing Left for Dead or Call of Duty, even on rare occasion Saints Row. I have a Wii system which I usually am just playing classic games like Mario Brothers or Kirby. I do have Epic Mickey (which was, in fact, epic) and the newer Mario games as well (I still have my obsession with Mario even though I don’t play as much) but yeah…I really don’t play as much as I could or should.

Also, there is a Kinect in the house, and with some of the announcements from E3, I think it will be put to more use.  So there’s a good chance there will be more gaming reviews going up on Nerds of the Round Table.

Have you ever considered doing a podcast? – Matt

Yes and no. I’ve been approached about doing one with someone, which I would consider doing more than doing one on my own. I just don’t think I’m interesting enough on my own (and self sufficient enough to remain on schedule, as you can tell with how regularly I update this blog here.)

So if someone wants to do a podcast with me, awesome. I don’t have any equipment or even the knowledge how to do one. Otherwise I’ll just enjoy them on my own.

What made you stop dating? What is your rule that you refer to? – Diana

The rule is “If you want to date me, you have to ask.” Every single relationship I have been in I have been the one doing the asking. I have always been the one to initiate everything. I’ve never been romanced or wooed. For once, I would like that to happen. Also, I apparently cannot pick out my own boyfriends for the life of me considering how each relationship has ended (badly).  Just once I’d like to receive the flowers instead of being the one who gives them. True fact: I have yet to be in a romantic relationship where there is actual romance involved, and I feel this needs to change.

I know I’m a tomboy and hyperactive, I speak my mind and I have no shame or filter. I’m not a supermodel and I never will be. But at the core I’m a good person and loyal to a fault. From what I’ve learned from dating, I’m not what guy’s want. I’m okay with that, I’m okay with not dating. I’ve not so much stopped so much as I’m not being asked.

Why did your professor tell you that you are “too artsy for art school”? –Chris

Art school is about teaching you the rules of art. Being who I am, I don’t like rules or boundaries when it comes to creativity and wouldn’t follow them.  I eventually dropped out because I felt stifled and unjustified.

I think three pages of questions is enough, don’t you? Keep sending them in, personal or nerd related I don’t mind. You can ask on Twitter at @1nerdycupcake or email me at onenerdycupcake@gmail.com. I’ll try to keep answering them as they come in, I actually have about 20 more questions that I could answer and I’ll just save them for next time!



I’m trying to work on a blog post here guys, I haven’t forgotten about you. I don’t have much in the way of nerd burger stuff to talk about right now; I’m really slacking on my shows again, and my comic reading. Here is a brief update though…

  1. I finished How I Met Your Mother, and have started watching Castle. I’m 4 episodes in and really enjoying it, even if Netflix decided it didn’t want to like me and send me no disc 2 and then two copies of disc 2 and then a scratched beyond all belief copy of disc 1. Actually, I think I could only watch 3 of the episodes because of this; I had to send it back since episode 4 would not play (angry face). Did I miss anything by not seeing episode 4?
  2. I’ve started watching anime again. I’ve been wrangled in to help with cosplay costumes for a few friends for ACen, or Anime Central, which is a huge anime convention that happens in my area. I’ve watched through Season1 Part 1 of D.Gray-Man, a few episodes of Spice and Wolf, started watching Read or Die (which I need to get the full series for) and rewatching Gantz, which is one of my absolute favorites.
  3. I picked up the Showcase Green Lantern book 1. It is SO CHEESY. I think I’ve just been spoiled by reading the Rebirth series that Geoff Johns had created, that I’m just not used to the Hal that was so involved with Carole. Hilarity when it shouldn’t be.
  4. I’m reading more webcomics! For those of you unaware, I am a huge lover of Questionable Content, Something Positive, Girls with Slingshots, DAR!, Queen of Wands, Punch & Pie, Sam &Fuzzy and Octopus Pie.  I have recently started reading Hijinks Ensue, Bucko (which is Erika Moen’s new comic post DAR!), re-reading Shortpacked! (I had started reading it at my old job, but then things got all wonky so I haven’t kept up and trying to fix that now). What are webcomics you read?

I’m looking for book suggestions as well. I’m a poor person, so please realize I need to be able to find these books in second hand stores, or libraries for whenever I get a library card for the one closest to work.

A little shameless self plug here: The next three weekends I am running three 5ks for various causes. This first one is the Wrigley Run, which is for Voices for Illinois Children and Preventing Child Abuse in America. The second one is for Stride, which is a part of Campus Life, a local youth group that I volunteer for. The third one is for Y-Me, a breast cancer research society.  I’m going to be putting up websites soon to help sponsor these runs, because they are all very close to me. If you have any money that can be donated, I’m asking that you do.

I will also be participating in the Warrior Dash on June 18th and 19th. We haven’t chosen which day yet. That one isn’t for a charity, but I think if I can get a big enough group together we can be sponsored. If you are interested in running the Dash with us, please let me know.



{March 18, 2011}   Its Happy Thought Friday!

Since I have a more regular access to the internet and to wordpress so that I could actually blog how I would like to (hooray for work!) I thought I would talk about something that I actually find myself talking about more and more these days.

Its about letting go.

A little over a year ago I had just broken up with the boyfriend I thought I would marry, lost my Oma (grandmother) to unknown causes, my father had a lot of back problems and I wasn’t in a good place mentally. I know that with the chemical imbalances I have up there its pretty common, but it was bad.

Over the course of this year I realized that, well to put it lightly, shit happens. The breakup was actually probably the best thing that could have happened…since in looking back I was pretty miserable with the guy. I also let go of all of that anger and sadness and resentment I built up over the years. It was just too much to hold onto.

I know that everyone tells everyone to just let go, to just be who you are without holding back. That’s not entirely truthful. I believe in embracing who you are. I have severe OCD and Anxiety. I put it to use by being a personal assistant, because it organizing and paperwork and continuing my brain to function without thinking about everything else. I volunteer to do conventions or help out local charities because its putting things that I can’t really help to use. OCD is the way to be!

And I let go of all the hurt. People tend to suck. Its just life. People are going to hurt you, unintentionally or intentionally. You just can’t let it get you down. Money will ALWAYS suck. I’m below blue collar, I probably always will be, but you work with it.

Could things be better? Sure. But where you are right now is where you are supposed to be. I have to remember that constantly…numbers bother me, and I’m going to be 26 soon. I wasn’t expecting to be barely working and still living with my parents. But in 6 months that could change.  You never know what is going to happen.

Why am I posting about this stuff on a nerd blog you might ask? Well, in all honesty, more and more of my friends keep telling me how their lives suck, and how its crazy how happy I am.

Its not crazy. And their lives don’t suck. I want to shake them when they say things like them. A few of them have kids…they should be happy about that! A lot are in really good relationships that they have someone to be with, and are happy with. If your job sucks then find a new one. If you aren’t happy with your partner then leave them. These are all pretty simple changes.

So here is what I want everyone to do this weekend. List out the things that you think makes your life suck. Then right next to it, write how to fix it. Then, rip off the half of things that make your life suck and look at your list of things as to how to fix it. Make those your goals. Then take a really deep breath and just smile. You’ll feel better. You’ve set goals, and you’re smiling!

I hope all of you have a fantastic weekend! If you are in the Chicago area, come visit me at C2E2! I will be working at the IGN Theater on Friday, Masqurade on Saturday and Autographing on Sunday.  Plus, I need people to go see what Marvel and DC’s big reveals are for me, since I’ll be working and miss the panels. I’ll see you all on Monday J



{December 16, 2010}   I’m really lazy sometimes.


{December 15, 2010}   Oh Shit! It’s a video post!

Hi Guys!

Be afraid. You’re going to see who I am and you are going to hear what I sound like.



{December 10, 2010}   A Somewhat Serious Post

Sorry, I didn’t get a post up yesterday. I have issues. That yay, you get to hear about!

I’m working on keeping at least a post a day up here. But I really do have issues…mainly of the psychological kind. We all do. We all hit those moments.

I am not medicated, and I probably should consider going back to medication, but I have severe (almost crippling) social anxiety, bi-polar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Doing this blog is my way of reaching out of my bubble that I’ve created (the room that I took you on a tour of earlier this week). Behind the scenes of my geekery is one very scared girl.

I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that while my dreams of being a rockstar or an actress are probably gone with age (25 is a hard age to break out in these days) and lack of money (an agent in my area, bare bones, worst agent you can find is a minimum of a $400 down payment, which I never have lying around) and have pretty much succumbed to the fact that I am probably doing what I do best…being behind a computer…for the rest of my life is fine, I’ve never faced this huge a failure in life before.

This failure I’m talking of is being fired. I know, its silly. But I’ve never honestly been trained in anything my whole career life. I’ve always trained myself and I’ve never failed. Never had any issues.

But I struggled and I failed in this job, and facing that is really, really difficult. I know people who constantly get fired from jobs or can’t hold a job down for longer than 2 months and I really don’t know how people do that I would go crazy. I am, currently, going very crazy. Panic attacks left and right.

So I write these blog posts when I have something interesting to say, or something funny, or witty, or whatever.

My goal is still at least a post a day. I won’t post any self depreciating things and stuff like that. I just felt like I owe an explanation for right now, and why I’m probably a lot more cynical and a lot less funny.  I have a Tree Decorating party tonight, a Tree Decorating party tomorrow afternoon and a Big Lebowski party tomorrow night. Before you ask, yes this does play into my anxiety, but for the most part it is family or people I consider family, so I’m somewhat okay. I will probably still need to medicate in some form (most likely alcohol).

But within those I should find a voice and a better post. One that doesn’t suck like this one. I should probably write about The Walking Dead and my love of it too.



et cetera